I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
