tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
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