I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
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