she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
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