Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
