I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
Randomize
