I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
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