Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Randomize
