Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Randomize
