please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
