Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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