girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Randomize
