Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Randomize
