I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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