i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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