True but thats because hes a fetus.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
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