Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize