You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Randomize
