i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
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