There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Randomize
