My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
So again no comment on the cleavage. I'm a bit disappointed. If those girls come together to make cleavage AND I send you a pic of it, you have to comment on it. That's like relationship 101.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Randomize
