you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Randomize
