Please, let me fuck your mom
How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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