I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
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