I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
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