He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
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