Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Did I show you my penis last night?
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
3 2 1 whiskey
I could fuck to npr.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Randomize
