I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
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