I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Randomize
