hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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