drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Just made ouyt with a dude on the real wporld...I said I dont want my face blired out
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Randomize
