he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
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