It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
Randomize
