She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Randomize
