Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
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