Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
Randomize
