waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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