The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
