i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Randomize
