I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
Randomize
