Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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