There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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