There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
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