Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
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