either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
Randomize
