I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
