so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Randomize
