fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Randomize
