I like my sex mixed with concussions.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
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