Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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