So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
