you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
