he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
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