Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
My day in three words: secret purse cake
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
