he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
Randomize
