I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
