I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
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