omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Randomize
